Adventures in Oxford: Five tips for talking to people who disagree

Last month I finished my Masters degree from the University of Oxford, and while I learned a lot about English Literature (my degree of choice), I learned more about humanity. Most of my life has been spent among likeminded people; I was homeschooled, went to a Catholic school, discerned with a religious order for several years, and attended a Catholic undergraduate university. Oxford, therefore, was the first time I was surrounded by people with wildly different views than mine. 

I befriended people from all over the world: Pakistan, the Phillipines, Sweden, Northern Ireland, and Norway to name just a few. I met people of all different religions: Muslims, Buddhists, Anglicans, Evangelicals, atheists, and fallen-away Catholics. I met people with all different sexual orientations, all the shades of the pride rainbow. Almost all these people disagreed with me on some level about something, whether that was politics, ethics, or religious beliefs. During my time at Oxford, I learned (with much trial and error) some important lessons about talking to people, especially those with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye. 

1. Listen well

Someone once told me that God intentionally designed us with only one mouth, but two ears. In other words, listen more than you speak! If you want to have a deep conversation with someone, it is important to remember that people are much more willing to share their own opinion than hear yours. Ask questions, and then thoughtfully listen to the answers, then ask follow up questions! Entering a conversation without being willing to listen to the other side, is like turning every page in a book but never reading it. It is a waste of everyone’s time. I learned that treating difficult conversations as learning opportunities instead of preaching opportunities, helped me to not only make friends, but also to be heard better when people did ask for my opinion. After all, people will often mirror your behavior in a conversation; if you treat them with courtesy and patience, they will extend you the same favor. Listening carefully will surprise you; often you will agree on more than you think. 

2. Common ground

What is the goal of a conversation between two people who disagree? It is not a debate, it is not about winning, or even convincing the other person to change their mind in the moment. Rather, I have found it more productive to treat these conversations as a quest for common ground. How are we similar? What can we agree on? Where exactly do our opinions part ways? Satan is the divider — he is constantly seeking to show us our differences and drive a wedge between people. There is no better way to combat this division than to find common ground with someone else who is completely different than you. This approach serves a dual purpose. First, people are more willing to consider your opinion (and potentially change their minds) if they find they agree with you on something. Second, it promotes community. Our country and our world have never been more divided. If we cannot find places to agree, then anger, fear, and hatred will continue to build with disastrous ends. 

3. There’s a reason

In the heat of the moment, when you’re facing someone who vehemently disagrees with you, it can be easy to forget that this person is a person. You get caught up in the fact that they are wrong and start wondering how anyone could possibly believe what they believe. In other words, it is easy to forget that they have a reason for why they believe what they believe. Keeping this in mind is one of the keys to having a productive conversation. No one believes a particular thing for no reason, and approaching a conversation with empathy and a willingness to understand will do wonders. Soon you start asking the right questions: Can you say more? Tell me why you came to that conclusion. Many of these issues (politics, religion, ethics etc.) are sensitive and deeply personal for people. Going on a diatribe about the evils of abortion without considering the fact that the girl in front of you may have had an abortion, is not productive or impressive — it is simply unkind. 

4. Self-control

I have found it helpful when having difficult conversations to remember a principle from the stoics in Ancient Greece. They believed, and rightly so, that you can only control your actions and reactions, not those of the people around you. When speaking about sensitive topics, people can get defensive, become vulnerable, and occasionally lash out because of the emotions involved — or perhaps because their worldview has been shaken, which is understandably stressful. Whatever the reason, it is important to be prepared for poor reactions and not let it dictate your own behavior. I’ve had conversations in which I and my opinions have been called crazy, hurtful, or downright evil. I cannot control how my interlocutors react. But what I can do is respond with poise and kindness. Reacting violently will only feed the stigma against my beliefs; reacting with charity changes the narrative. 

5. Support system

The final tip I have discovered is that it is important to maintain your root system. It can be difficult to be surrounded day-in and day-out with people who disagree with you. While I have made many new friends with opposite beliefs, I have also found that it is critical to find friends who do share your beliefs and foster those friendships the most. No man is meant to be an island, and no one can survive alone against the masses. It is critical to build and foster a support system; building habits of prayer and finding a community of likeminded people to turn to when you are too exhausted to be alone on the defensive. As varied and diverse as Oxford is, I found many friends, who, though they are from different countries, share the same beliefs.