Opinion writers warn ‘cult of Amazonian independence’ is talking young women out of marriage

A growing cultural pessimism about men, dating, and marriage is leading some young women to close themselves off from relationships that could bring them lasting happiness, two writers argued in a July 19 Deseret News opinion article.

Maria Baer, a journalist and co-host of the Colson Center’s “Breakpoint This Week” podcast, and Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and a senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, warned that young women are increasingly embracing “heteropessimism” — a term describing disappointment, embarrassment, or hopelessness about heterosexual relationships.

The writers compared the trend to the Amazons of Greek mythology, a society of warrior women who, according to legend, lived apart from men, took no husbands, sent their sons away and raised only daughters, and even cauterized their breasts “so nothing would get in the way of their ability to fight.”

“Legend has it that the Amazons, the warrior women of Greek mythology, built a civilization on a single premise: Women could build a world of their own without men,” Baer and Wilcox wrote.

They added that the story reflects the “fantasy” that “a woman becomes strongest not by pairing with a man but by providing for and protecting herself — often with the support of some strong sisters.”

The rise of ‘heteropessimism’ in modern society

The writers argued that a modern version of this outlook has emerged among women who delete dating apps, declare themselves “boy sober” on social media, center their lives on female friendships, and view relationships with men as more trouble than they are worth. 

Young women have legitimate reasons for becoming discouraged, Baer and Wilcox acknowledged. Some have encountered men who mistreat them or are caught in a “limbo between adolescence and adulthood.” The writers added that popular media and social media influencers frequently portray men as emotionally immature and paint marriage as burdensome.

According to the authors, the result of this discouragement is a declining confidence in marriage among young women. They cited findings that only 24% of women ages 18 to 29 believe married mothers are happier than other women. The share of high school girls who expect to marry has fallen from more than 80% in 2010 to 67% today. 

The article also argued that dating patterns reflect a similar retreat. According to a Pew Research Center survey cited by the authors, 39% of single women under 40 said they were not looking for a relationship. Research from the Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institute similarly indicated that in 2025 more than 80% of eligible women in their 20s and 30s were not in serious relationships.

“A growing number of young women seem content — or resigned to — going through life without a man,” Baer and Wilcox wrote.

The consequences of ‘Amazonian detachment’ and retreating from marriage, family life

Although the authors said they understand the appeal of the Amazonian strategy of independence, they argued that avoiding marriage and family does not necessarily produce the fulfilling life advocates of this strategy promise. The authors cited General Social Survey data showing that unmarried, childless women in their 20s and 30s were nearly three times more likely to report being unhappy than married mothers ages 25 to 39.

“For all too many, this path leads not to liberation, but to a more anxious, lonely and unhappy life,” the authors wrote, later adding, “Heteropessimism really is a trap.”

The article highlighted the work of Suzanne Venker, an author and life coach who said during a recent episode of the “Modern Wisdom” podcast that she frequently hears from women in their 30s who want to marry and start families but do not know how to do so.

Baer and Wilcox said many of Venker’s clients spent their 20s building careers, savings, and social status “exactly as second-wave feminism had scripted,” while treating dating and family as concerns they could defer until later. 

According to the article’s account of Venker’s remarks, many of those women found that the pool of prospective husbands had narrowed by the time they decided in their 30s that they were ready to marry. Others struggled to shift from lives centered on work and travel to marriage and raising young children. Some also experienced age-related fertility problems.

“The Amazonian detachment they leaned into in their 20s, it turns out, does not reverse itself just because a woman decides she’s finally ready for a family,” Baer and Wilcox wrote.

3 tips for young women to avoid problems caused by heteropessimism

Venker offered three recommendations to help younger women avoid the problems she has seen her older clients experience.

First, she encouraged women who meet a good prospective husband to be open to marrying “youngish,” or in their mid-to-late 20s, according to the article. She said doing so can provide a larger dating pool, a longer fertility window, and more time for spouses to build a life and accumulate wealth together.

“The running joke is, well, I’m trying to get to you when you’re 22 before you come to me at 32,” Venker said during the podcast, according to the article. “But at 22, you’re not interested, and at 32, you’re like, help me, help me.”

Second, Venker advised women to date intentionally and discuss their expectations about family life, careers, and the seriousness of the relationship within the first three dates.

“If family matters to you, figure out if the man you’re sitting across from on a dinner date is marriage material,” Baer and Wilcox wrote. “That includes sizing up a man’s character and his professional possibilities — not his wealth, but his reliability as a provider.”

Venker cited polling showing that 71% of Americans believe a man should be able to provide for his family, compared with 32% who say the same of women. 

“That says to me that we know instinctively that women become vulnerable when they have a child and that they’re going to need support, both emotional and financial, for some period of time,” Venker said.

Lastly, Venker recommended that women who desire marriage and children consider careers that can accommodate family life. Flexible professions or jobs that can be performed part-time, remotely, or on a freelance basis may make it easier to combine employment with motherhood, she argued. 

“Rather than putting career at the center of your life and trying to fit men and marriage and motherhood in around that,” Venker said, “I want them to do the reverse.”

Baer and Wilcox acknowledged that this approach will not appeal to every woman and could be criticized as an attempt to limit women’s professional ambitions. But they argued that this criticism defines ambition too narrowly by treating workplace achievement as more valuable than the desire to build a family. 

“Why do we call a woman’s hunger for a high-status career ‘ambition,’ but not her hunger for a rich and meaningful family life?” they wrote.

The writers concluded that young women who hope to marry should openly treat family life as a serious goal rather than assuming they can postpone it indefinitely.

“It’s a small tragedy that today’s cult of Amazonian independence talks too many young women out of leaving room for the risks and rewards of finding a good man, marrying and starting a family,” Baer and Wilcox wrote. “But for those who want to maximize their odds of building a life that’s happy and meaningful — and, yes, sometimes messy and chaotic — the three pieces of advice Venker offers are worth taking seriously.” 

“Because for most young women today,” they concluded, “the path to a meaningful, happy life runs not toward Amazonian detachment, but toward a man, a marriage and a family.”