The beginning of a relationship is supposed to feel like magic – butterflies, late-night texts, and the thrill of getting to know someone new. But sometimes, that sparkle can blind us to the small signs that something isn’t right.
It’s easy to get lost in the excitement, mystery, and newness of someone who might be your forever, and miss the subtle red flags that could be warning you to run.
You deserve a relationship that makes you feel safe, secure, and happy. You deserve a guy, not waving red flags. So here are some potential red flags you might not be aware of – but absolutely need to watch out for.
Confusing and inconsistent
The beginning of a relationship should be fun and exciting, not confusing and upsetting. A man should be clear about his intentions and should follow through with his word. He shouldn’t ghost you one day and then reappear as if nothing happened two days later. If he sends mixed signals, often cancels plans, or says one thing and does another: He’s probably not as great as you think he is.
Badmouthing his exes
For some girls, this may seem like a green flag. He doesn’t like his ex? Hello, that should be good news! No competition there. But trust me, this couldn’t be more wrong. Bad-mouthing your ex is actually a sign of disrespect and immaturity. There’s a way to healthily discuss your past without dragging someone’s name through the dirt.
However, the reverse is also true. If a guy refuses to talk about his ex, even when the conversation arises out of necessity and growth in your relationship, it probably means he’s trying to hide something.
Lack of ambition or drive
If you’re discerning the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, lacking ambition or drive is probably not something you want in your future forever. A man should have the drive to provide for you and care for you, but not only you, he should have a self-motivated drive. He should have passions and hobbies. If he lacks these things, this is a major red flag.
Doesn’t take initiative
A man is meant to pursue; he should take initiative to see you, have conversations, and learn more about you. If you always feel like you’re the one making the phone call, setting up the date, or keeping the conversation alive, it may be a sign that he’s not ready for a romantic relationship.
Lacks respect and expects too much
Respect is a virtue that is dying in our culture, but we need to make sure we uphold it. A man should respect you, your boundaries, and your time. If he tries to get you to push boundaries, change your morals, or doesn’t respect the fact that you have a life outside of him, this is a waving red flag, and you should run.
You should have time for your family, friends, responsibilities, hobbies, and just your life! If he begins demanding too much of your time now, he will just continuously demand more from you in the future. A good man would respect you and your time.
Backhanded compliments
Have you ever received a compliment that makes you feel a little odd? Like "I never would’ve guessed you’re that smart!" or from a guy it might sound like: “You’re actually really cute for someone who’s not my type.” This might make you feel flattered at first – you got the guy and you’re not even his type… But think again, sister. He is lowering your confidence, making you feel insecure (especially later in the relationship), and can make you feel like you have to stay because there’s no way you could get someone as good as him again. Newsflash: You can do SO MUCH BETTER!
Doesn’t ask questions about you
In the early stages of dating, it’s easy to get swept away by a man who’s confident, funny, or charismatic – but if you step back, is he actually getting to know you? Or is the conversation always centered around him (or worse, his video games)?
If he rarely asks about your interests, passions, hobbies, goals, or even how your day was, it could be a sign that he’s more interested in how you make him feel than who you actually are. Relationships are built on mutual curiosity and care. If he isn’t asking questions or doesn’t seem genuinely interested in your world, that’s a red flag.
Refuses to DTR
Maybe I’m showing my age here by using DTR, but this is a good thing! It comes after you’ve been in that talking phase for maybe just a bit too long. It’s time to “Define The Relationship.”
Are you exclusive? Can you call him your boyfriend? What is actually happening here?
It’s a crucial conversation to have. It gives you clarity and security, or it tells you it’s time to move on. He won’t commit. It makes sure you are both on the same page. If a guy refuses to have a DTR after many dates, weeks (or even months) of “talking,” it’s time to abandon ship. He clearly won’t commit, and you deserve better. Don’t stick around to see if something will change. This red flag couldn’t be bolder.
Guilt tripping
Sometimes a guy can do all the right things, but still have red flags. For me, in one of my previous relationships, he pursued, he was consistent, he respected me, BUT he made me feel bad for every penny he had to spend on our relationship. He made me KNOW that even driving to my house was costing him money on gas, let alone the dates that he insisted on paying for, but still made me feel awful that he spent money.
Guilt tripping can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. But at the end of the day, if he is making you feel bad about something, especially if you’ve expressed how it makes you feel and he still continues, it’s time to say goodbye.
Final thoughts
At the end of the day, you should be excited. It’s the beginning of a relationship. You should want to spend time with them, not be anxious about it. You should be confident about how they feel about you, not unsure, confused, and insecure. You should not have to justify or make excuses for any of their behavior.
This is the honeymoon phase – I’m not saying it always gets worse from here, but you’re going to face challenges down the road. If he’s not pursuing you well now, he probably won’t pursue you well later either.
If you’re having trouble seeing potential red flags in the relationship, go to your close friends and family. Ask them for brutal honesty. Are you missing anything?
It’s okay to be unsure about your feelings toward someone as you get to know them, but it is not okay to be unsure about the way he treats you. You deserve someone who is clear, consistent, and genuinely curious about who you are from day one.
Don’t settle for red flags dressed up as romance. Trust your gut. You deserve the world, and there is a man out there who wants to give it to you.