My story with discerning the person is, in some ways, barely a story – and in others, it is the evidence of the faithfulness of God.
As we’ve already established, I clearly knew that God was calling me to the vocation of marriage – to be a wife and a mother. But finding the man I would marry? That path was filled with a few more bumps along the road.
I dated several guys, and each relationship ended in heartbreak. Looking back now, it’s obvious those men were not meant to be. But at the time, I was seeking to find out if they were my future spouse. Most of my relationships followed a pattern: we’d meet, date for a few months, and – suddenly – the relationship would end. There were rarely big fights or problems leading up to the end of the relationship. I often found myself sitting there, freshly dumped, wondering what I had done wrong.
Thankfully, I had wonderful friends, family, and spiritual mentors who walked with me along the way. They helped me turn to the Lord for healing and growth. By the time I met my now-husband, I had done a lot of inner work with the Lord. And any lingering wounds? My now-husband helped heal them – often without even realizing it. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the beginning.
It was the spring semester of my senior year of college. My dating prospects were zero (or so I thought), and I figured I would graduate single, move back home to Ohio, and find my future spouse there. I went to a small Catholic school and practically knew everyone in the student body, there was no chance of me finding my future spouse anymore. Not with one semester to go.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a crush. Like a major one.
The only problem? He was in college seminary.
We were close friends, but we only hung out in class or in group settings. Being friends with seminarians was not unusual for me. As a theology major who took a decent amount of philosophy classes, I naturally crossed paths with a lot of them. Still, this crush felt different. It stuck around. It grew. And I was frustrated.
I begged the Lord to take the feelings away. Why did I have such strong feelings for someone I could never be with? Who I didn’t even want to be with? I wanted him to be a priest if that was what he was called to.
Month after month, I prayed. And my feelings only intensified. Finally, I hit a breaking point and prayed in Adoration: “Jesus, I can’t keep doing this. I either need you to hit me in the face with a brick, like physically make me break my nose so that I get over this. Or I need a giant flashing neon billboard that maybe there is some reason that I have these feelings.”
And the Lord provided. Two days later, we went on a walk.
He told me that he was discerning out of seminary. He’d been discontent in seminary for over a year (longer than I had known him) but had been walking with his formators to make sure he was discerning this decision well.
The rest of the story is for another day (although I love telling it).
But how did I truly know he was someone I wanted to date, and even how was I so confident early on that he was probably the person I was going to marry? It came down to these simple things:
He checked all the boxes.
Let’s be honest – every girl has the list. The qualities you hope to find in your future spouse. Mine included serious things like “Catholic,” “conservative,” and “good communication,” as well as fun things like “plays euchre” and “sings in the car with me.”
Looking back, the guys I had dated before didn’t check many of those boxes – but I convinced myself it was fine. (Spoiler: it wasn’t. I was settling.)
With my future husband, even while we were still friends, I found myself checking off every single box. For the first time, I wasn’t settling. He had every quality I had hoped for – and that’s a pretty good sign he might be the one.
He checked boxes I didn’t even know existed.
Now I know we just talked about checking boxes, but here’s the thing: my now-husband checked off boxes I didn’t even know existed. Things I never thought to look for – like how he loved talking theology and philosophy with me, or how he liked sports but didn’t idolize them, or how we liked the same foods (which makes meal planning surprisingly fun and easy). There were a million little things that kept making me think, he’s perfect for me.
It felt like Christmas morning, over and over again.
I felt like a better person when I was with him.
He brought out the best in me. It’s that simple. He helped me grow in virtue. His character made me want to be better. He didn’t pull me down, he built me up – often without knowing it.
I prayed about it and it felt right.
In order to properly discern if he was the guy I should date, I prayed about it. A lot. And even when our timing or circumstances didn’t line up, I kept returning to the same thing: peace from the Lord in prayer about it. I didn’t fully understand it, but I felt it. That peace gave me the freedom to trust the Lord’s timing – and thank goodness I did.
I was excited.
And I know that might sound obvious, but it isn’t always. I’ve seen so many people (maybe you have too) try to force feelings because a guy looks great on paper. A good man might check every box, but at some point, you should feel excited about him (and it’s a red flag if you don’t).
I couldn’t wait to see him, talk to him, do the most mundane things with him. I loved telling people about him. That early joy doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges ahead – but it’s a good sign that something real is beginning.
Discernment isn’t only about signs and fireworks
Though, sometimes God sends those too. It’s about faithfully and consistently walking with the Lord and paying attention to the peace, joy, and clarity that comes with time.
Not every story will look like mine. Some will take longer, others shorter. Some will come through friendships, others through dating apps or a movie-like meet cute. But the principle is the same: bring your heart before God. Bring your desires to Him and trust that He is forming you along the way.
Take time. Pay attention to red flags – but even more, look for green ones. Make sure the person you’re with invites you into a deeper relationship with Christ and makes you a better person.
Discerning the person isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a journey – one that unfolds step by step, and one that the Lord wants to walk with you, every step of the way.
And I promise: His timing is worth the wait.