The art of showing up: Simple steps to thoughtful friendship

Everyone has that friend. The one who never forgets a birthday and remembers just how you take your coffee. Thoughtfulness is a virtue that comes very naturally to some people and is hard-earned for others. The good news is that with a little intentionality, foresight, and practice everyone can be a thoughtful friend. 

Provision takes forethought

Provision, whether in words, deeds, or material items, is an integral part of thoughtfulness. To provide bountifully requires intentional time to plan. Carve out a planning session each month where you review your calendar for upcoming birthdays, events, and anniversaries and prepare well. 

For birthdays or other milestone days, have a collection of cards on hand and not only write the card but also address and stamp it that day so all you have to do is pop it in the mail a week before the special event. If you hope to send a present or drop off a surprise on their special day, make a plan for ordering and delivering. 

During this time of planning, choose a friend (or two!) to purposefully pray for and connect with over the month. This could be a simple phone call for a faraway friend or planning a dinner with someone local. For this friend, take time to really listen to how their life is going and ask them how you can pray for them. 

Remember dates and favorite things

Organization is the name of the game for these monthly planning sessions. A perpetual calendar is helpful for keeping all of the important dates in order. 

A hallmark of thoughtful friendship is remembering preferences and dislikes. A friend interview can help! Ask your friends their favorite flowers, coffee or tea preference, their love language, and any other information that might help you love them well. You can gather this information gradually over time as you get to know them or you could make a fun annual interview you send out to your closest pals. However you choose to preserve this information, have it written down and easily accessible for reference. 

The list will evolve over time as you make new friends and as your friends go through different seasons in life, but having a record will make it easier for you to show up for your friend with a thoughtful gesture. After all, you don’t want to mistakenly get your friend who avoids caffeine a double mocha!  

Listen and respond

Some of the most memorable gestures of thoughtful friendship can’t be planned but are a beautiful response amidst the ordinariness of life. To acquire this level of thoughtfulness, it is paramount to listen attentively (really, really listen) and respond as able. 

If your friend shares that an important work meeting is coming up, write down the date and pray for them that morning. Send a message to let them know you’re praying for them and want to hear how it all goes. A friend might mention that they’ve been having a rough week. Give them a call and see if they’d like to take a walk for some time to debrief and pray, or drop flowers and their favorite snack on their doorstep. 

When your friend shares the joys and sadnesses of life, take it to heart and ask yourself if there’s a way to show up for them at this moment. It could be as big as bringing their family a home cooked meal or as simple as an encouraging note in their mailbox. 

Go the extra mile and budget for thoughtfulness

If the unknown cost of being thoughtful is a roadblock, build it into your budget. Prayerfully designate a certain amount each month for acts of thoughtfulness.

Thoughtfulness, of course, doesn’t require money. Arranging a bouquet of flowers from your yard as a gift or staying late after a gathering to help clean up doesn’t cost a cent and are marks of a thoughtful, loving friend. What they do cost, though, is time and attention. This is an important question for every friend to ask: Is my life moving at a pace that allows me to be attuned to those I am called to love? 

Thoughtful friendship is for everyone and anyone who is willing to go the extra mile to be attuned to their friends and respond with gestures of support, love, and prayer. What are some of your favorite experiences of thoughtful friendship? Share in the comments!