Discerning marriage together?
If you’ve been following my story up until now, you’d know that by the time we started dating, I already had discerned that the Lord was calling me to the vocation of marriage – and I began dating a boy I really liked.
Because we were friends first, we had a firm foundation and our relationship progressed naturally. We loved spending time together, going on dates, and discovering more about the other person. We were meeting one another’s families’, and having the important conversations. But discerning your vocation and discerning your spouse are two different things.
So, a new level of discernment arose: is this the person I’m called to marry?
It was time to discern this next question – together.
Here’s how we did it:
We prayed. Individually and together.
When a former seminarian and a theology major start dating, you better believe prayer is going to be a major part of the relationship. We both had consistent, deep prayer lives before we started dating, and once we began discerning marriage, we intentionally created a rhythm of prayer together (as well as continuing our personal prayer lives):
Prayed Night Prayer (from Liturgy of the Hours) together before parting ways each night
Prioritized Confession
Prayed a weekly Holy Hour together
Attended Mass together (and prayed together afterwards)
We brought others in.
Because our friendship began while he was still in seminary, we’d always been surrounded by mutual friends. I was even friends with his sister who went to our school.
We also both prioritized meeting one another’s family early in the relationship. We believed that these were essential steps to discerning the relationship well. We knew that outside perspectives – especially our families’ – mattered. The people who love you often can see things you don’t.
We received spiritual direction.
We were both in spiritual direction before dating, and remained in it throughout our relationship. Our mentors helped us reflect on what God was doing in our hearts and how to discern next steps with wisdom and peace. Allowing us to confidently move forward in our relationship.
We had the big conversations early.
I can’t lie, I knew very early on that he was my future husband. I’d been praying for him long before our first date. But what really confirmed it for me was how natural it felt to have the hard conversations. From how we viewed marriage, to where we’d live (Ohio vs. Indiana), to all the classic “questions to ask before getting engaged” – we talked about it all within the first few months, and nothing felt forced. The conversations flowed easily and vulnerably.
Being friends first helped, of course. But it also showed me that discernment doesn’t have to be complicated when you can communicate honestly and naturally.
He was (and is) my best friend
At the end of the day, he was my best friend. There was nobody I wanted to spend more time with. He treated me with nothing but respect. He was my comfort. He brought out all the good in me. I laughed more with him than with anybody else. It was natural. It was easy. It was joyful. And isn’t that what every girl wants? To fall in love with their best friend?
Every couple’s discernment journey looks different
It’s not a one-size-fits-all type of thing. But no matter what your story looks like, the heart of discernment is the same:
Allow the Lord to lead you.
Communicate well with your partner.
Put God at the center of your relationship
and everything else will flow from there.
There’s no magic key to discernment. It takes time, dedication, and prayer – lots and lots of prayer. But peace really does follow obedience to the Lord’s will. When we asked God to guide our steps, He faithfully did. He didn’t reveal the entire road ahead, but He allowed us the peace and clarity to continue taking the next step – every single time.
Sometimes discernment leads to engagement and marriage; other times it ends with parting ways. Either path can be holy if it is surrendered to the Lord. The key is to stay open, honest, and on the firm foundation of your walk with Christ. No matter the outcome, never lose faith that the Lord has the sweetest plan in store for your life.
When discerning, work with your partner to find rhythms that work for you and your relationship. But be intentional about it. Seriously discerning the Lord’s call requires intention, it doesn’t just happen.
So lean in. Take your time. Trust the Lord.