Fragile motherhood: How social media is isolating young moms
New moms should guard against the isolating influence of social media that can lead them to focus on comparison, judgment, and negativity.
It’s 2 a.m. and you’re breastfeeding your newborn in a rocking chair. Desperate to avoid nodding off before you put him back in his crib, you pull out your phone and absentmindedly scroll Instagram to stay awake.
Instantly, you’re flooded with videos from moms at a similar stage of life. But somehow they’re all prettier, skinnier, and richer than you. Their videos have captions like “10 boundaries to set with your in-laws NOW,” “what my postpartum looks like because I didn’t marry a loser,” and “things that give me the ick as a new mom.”
You start doubting yourself. Should you have told the grandparents not to kiss the baby on the face? Why can’t your husband make every meal from scratch while you recover? Did other moms at library storytime get “the ick” because you dressed your son in a blue dinosaur onesie and called him “my handsome little boy”?
Your mom probably isn’t a narcissist, even if she puts socks on the baby
One tendency I’ve seen on social media is to pathologize normal frictions between adult children and their parents, leading to suspicion, resentment, and even isolation between young parents and their own parents.
Traditionally, grandparents have been a source of wisdom, support, and love for both new parents and their children. There are certainly situations where families are broken. Grandparents can be selfish, controlling, or disrespectful, and that’s extremely painful and difficult to navigate. But that isn’t always, or even often, what’s going on.
When your mother-in-law forgets that you asked her not to kiss the baby, she probably isn’t trying to undermine your authority, even if it’s annoying. When your mom gives you outdated advice on introducing solids, she isn’t “being toxic.” She’s just trying to help.
Don’t let social media-induced fear cause you to constantly see ill intent in the actions of your parents and in-laws. Allow them to help you, to love you and your new baby, and try not to take normal friction as a sign to never speak to them again.
Your husband isn’t a loser
Social media is also filled with videos of new dads supporting their wives after birth, which is a beautiful and important thing. But these videos can also lead to comparison and envy, isolating women from their most important support – their husbands.
These videos typically don’t show dads who didn’t have any paternity leave, dads who wake up at 4:30 a.m. to work a blue-collar job, or dads who are still learning how to change diapers and rock the baby to sleep.
These videos can also seem to attribute a woman’s beauty, recovery, or mental health to the level of additional postpartum responsibility the man takes on. While this may be true in some cases, moms can still have postpartum depression, a difficult physical recovery, or take a while to feel like themselves even with the most helpful and attentive husbands.
Your husband is adjusting to parenting just like you are, and he isn’t going to get everything right the first time. He also might not do things exactly the way you want him to – that doesn’t mean he’s doing things wrong! Pray for and work to develop the virtue of patience, along with appreciating your husband’s partnership, attention, and help. And if you need more help, ask him! Just try not to hold him to unrealistic standards based on highlight reels from an influencer’s carefully curated public image.
Other moms probably don’t think you’re a red flag
Finally, social media isolates young moms from each other by creating fear and comparison between parenting styles, preferences, and lifestyle choices. When influencers talk about their parenting choices, they often do so with open contempt toward people who make different choices.
This leads young moms to think that they are constantly being judged, scrutinized, and condemned by other young mothers for everything from snacks to clothing to sleep schedules. The truth is that social media personalities tend to be intentionally overly shocking for the sake of clicks. While I’ve seen mothers on Instagram ruthlessly criticize each other for practical choices, I have never met a mom, young or old, who has done so in person. And I know a lot of opinionated mothers!
So don’t allow fear to isolate you from your support network. Go to your local moms’ group, ask an older mom at church about your baby’s sleep issues, and try to let go of your fear of judgment. Most other moms are too busy raising their own children to be angry or annoyed about how you are raising yours.
Social media isn’t ‘real’
At the end of the day, social media is not “real.” It can be a fun way to connect with other moms, or to look for aspirational content about homemaking, family life, or fashion, but content is carefully curated for engagement and consumption. Just like you shouldn’t expect your home to always look like a Martha Stewart magazine, you shouldn’t expect your life to always look like somebody else’s social media profile.
Postpartum and early motherhood is a sacred and vulnerable time, and the devil will take any opportunity he can to destroy your peace. So when you’re feeling anxious and lonely, power off your phone, connect with Our Lord in prayer, and rely on your family and friends – without fear of judgment.
