In Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman present a roadmap to cultivate emotional connection and long-term harmony in your marriage. Through carefully crafted conversations over the course of eight dates, couples explore foundational principles of marriage like trust, intimacy, shared dreams, and conflict resolution.
If you’ve been longing to rekindle, reassess, or strengthen your bond with your spouse, this guide breaks down each date to help you make the most out of this transformative journey.
The framework isn’t just about asking surface-level questions; it’s about taking a deep dive into your relationship and doing a sort of marital Spring cleaning. Below, I outline how to carry out the Gottmans’ eight dates. I highlight the theme of each particular date and outline my own insights and questions. The goal is to foster a deeper sense of intimacy and shared purpose, a core aspect of all strong marriages.
Disclaimer:
Don’t feel like you have to agree with your spouse on everything! What matters is that you are able to articulate your thoughts on all the topics covered over the eight dates. Once you can each do that, you can revisit in a positive way the areas where there is conflict or disagreement. Look at it as a SWOT (strength, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats) analysis of your own marriage.
Date 1: How do we want to spend our lives together?
Theme: Vision, values, and life goals
The first date invites you and your spouse to dream boldly about the future. This isn’t just an icebreaker — it’s the foundation for creating a shared vision. Whether you’re newlyweds or decades into your marriage, clarity on your individual and collective goals brings alignment and purpose to your relationship. If you’ve been married for years, you probably already know your spouse’s biggest dreams, but it’s always good to revisit these foundational questions. We all change over time!
Questions for conversation:
What are your dreams for the future, personally and as a couple?
How do we want to balance our time between work, hobbies, friends, and family?
Which core values matter most to us, and how can we align our lives around them?
How to approach it:
Pick the right place. Choose a date setting that encourages calm reflection — a quiet park, a cozy coffee shop, or even your living room adorned with candles and soft music. The goal is to dream collaboratively, discussing everything from career ambitions to lifestyle aspirations, financial milestones, and personal growth. These aren’t the kinds of questions you can seriously focus on while multitasking or doing routine chores. It is important to step away from daily activities to sit down and ponder this deeper topic.
Be open about your desires. Maybe one of you envisions traveling the world in your 50s, while the other dreams of deepening community ties. It’s unlikely your goals align 100%, so consider what is negotiable and what is not. We can’t have everything, but we can certainly have a lot of good things so think and talk deeply about all the good things you’d like to have individually and together. Our individual desires and goals as couples are deeply intertwined. Marriage is not a club we joined on the side – it’s the framework of all the ways marriage enriches, beautifies, and gives so much purpose to our lives.
The goal of this conversation is to co-create a roadmap for a life you both love.
Date 2: How is our sex life going?
Theme: Intimacy and Vulnerability.
Conversations about physical intimacy can feel daunting, but they are central to a thriving partnership. This date is about creating a safe, nonjudgmental space to discuss where each spouse stands when it comes to physical and emotional intimacy. The beauty of Natural Family Planning is that for those practicing this method, this conversation can (and should!) happen monthly. But be sure to talk openly not only about pregnancy, but also about how intimacy makes you feel and affects you overall. Stress, past trauma, and anxiety over work, life, and other relationships can come into play in your sex life, so be open about these feelings and experiences.
Questions for conversation:
How do you feel about our current sexual connection? Cover everything from positions to deep and superficial feelings. For example: “Sometimes I feel hurt when I am in the mood and you are not.” Usually, there is something deeper prompting these feelings. Talk about it.
For the wife, if postpartum: How do you feel about your postpartum recovery?
How would you feel or how would it impact you if we were to conceive?
How to approach it:
Start by setting the tone with light humor or affectionate gestures to ease nerves, if there is any. Be honest but gentle, acknowledging how sexual connection often ebbs and flows due to life changes such as stress, parenthood, or aging.
The Gottmans recommend viewing intimacy as an evolving conversation. Spouses should remain curious and attentive to each other’s needs over time, recognizing that fulfillment often stems as much from emotional safety as from physical connection.
Date 3: What does it mean to be a good spouse?
Theme: Love and support.
Love languages, emotional availability, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of this date. How do you show up for each other during life’s ups and downs? Exploring these dynamics helps strengthen the core of your marriage.
Questions for conversation:
What makes you feel like I support and love you?
How do you express love and what actions make you feel most loved?
How can I be more present for you in moments of stress or sadness?
How to approach it:
Consider revisiting the five love languages: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and receiving gifts. Which one resonates most with your spouse? When did you last express love in a way that was meaningful to him or her? Talk about all the memories you share in which both felt loved and appreciated. This walk down memory lane will be a joy in itself – and a reminder of what you might do to foster deeper love.
Discuss moments when one or both of you may have missed opportunities to provide support. Acknowledging these without defensiveness or blame sets the stage for positive change. Commit to specific ways you’ll “show up” moving forward.
Date 4: What are your biggest fears?
Theme: Vulnerability and emotional depth.
Sharing vulnerabilities fosters emotional closeness. By discussing both your aspirations and anxieties, you provide your spouse with a sense of safety and understanding that’s vital for emotional intimacy. You may already know this about your spouse, or think you do, but these are things that change throughout life so make sure to have continuous open conversations about it.
Questions for conversation:
What are your greatest fears for the future, individually and together?
Are there goals or dreams you’ve been afraid to share with me?
How can we support each other in overcoming fears or pursuing dreams?
How to approach it:
This date may feel intense but deeply fulfilling. Choose an environment where both of you feel secure — your couch with a warm drink or a secluded outdoor setting. Take turns sharing and avoid interrupting.
Reassure your spouse that their dreams are valid and their fears are heard. It’s not about fixing things but about being present and compassionate. We all have a few ridiculous fears and serious existential fears. Exploring these with curiosity will bring you both to a whole new level of emotional intimacy.
Date 5: How can we handle conflict in a healthier way?
Theme: Conflict resolution and communication.
Every marriage faces conflict, but the difference between thriving and struggling couples often comes down to how they handle disagreements. The Gottmans emphasize the importance of tackling issues collaboratively rather than destructively.
Questions for conversation:
What habits or reactions during fights feel unproductive?
Do you prefer resolving conflicts immediately or taking space before talking? What has worked and not worked for you in the past?
Are there “ground rules” we should set for disagreements to avoid escalation?
How to approach it:
The Gottmans identify four toxic behaviors in conflict, also known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Discuss whether these behaviors have surfaced in your marriage and commit to avoiding them.
Consider practicing “soft start-ups” — addressing issues calmly rather than accusatorily (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”). Finally, agree on repair mechanisms, such as taking a break if tempers flare or revisiting the topic after cooling down.
Date 6: How can we build more trust and honesty?
Theme: Building trust through transparency.
Trust doesn’t just happen; it’s cultivated over time through small, consistent actions. This date is about identifying how trust operates in your marriage and discussing areas where it can be fortified.
Questions for conversation:
What moments have strengthened or challenged your trust in me?
What does honesty look like in our relationship?
Are there areas where we can improve communication to maintain transparency?
How to approach it:
Trust-building is ongoing and cumulative. Share small anecdotes about moments of trust and discuss ways you can build on these experiences. If either of you harbors past grievances, now is the time to address them with kindness. Discuss the times when you’ve experienced mistrust and get to the root of why. Is it past betrayals, insecurity, or lack of forgiveness? Whatever it is, talk about it.
The Gottmans suggest incorporating regular check-ins about trust — these aren’t accusations but proactive conversations to prevent misunderstandings.
Date 7: What does a great marriage look like?
Theme: Appreciation and growth.
This date is all about celebrating what works in your marriage and creating space for further growth. What distinguishes good relationships from great ones is often a consistent habit of expressing gratitude and addressing challenges constructively.
Questions for conversation:
What do we admire about couples we respect?
How can we make daily acts of appreciation a priority?
What small steps could we take to make our relationship even better?
How to approach it:
Reflect on what you love most about each other. This date is a time for affirmations: acknowledge your spouse’s strengths and contributions to the marriage.
Recognize that no marriage is perfect, but striving for small, deliberate improvements can help foster a happier dynamic. For example, consider starting a gratitude journal or a weekly ritual of sharing appreciation. If writing is your thing, love letters focused on appreciating all the good things happening in your marriage lately is a wonderful habit.
Date 8: How do we want to handle finances?
Theme: Money and shared goals.
Money talks are about more than just money. They are about what makes you feel safe and what each spouse values. Money is often a source of tension, but it doesn’t have to be. Open communication about financial priorities can transform this potential stressor into a unifying aspect of your marriage.
Questions for conversation:
How do you feel about our current financial situation?
What are your long-term goals for saving, investing, and spending?
How can we create a budget that reflects both of our values?
How to approach it:
Approach this topic with curiosity, not judgment. Money is deeply tied to personal values and our families of origin, so discussing how you view spending and saving fosters mutual understanding.
Work together to create a financial plan that reflects shared and individual goals. The Gottmans stress the importance of transparency and shared accountability. Regular financial check-ins can prevent surprises and ensure alignment.