There is a beautiful dichotomy within motherhood. One can find unbelievable joy in baby snuggles, celebrating special milestones, and blowing raspberries into bellies.
And amidst the joy, there are undeniable struggles — the bone deep exhaustion of night feedings and unnerving hormones, to name a few.
Motherhood is mysterious. It’s wonderful and hard, filled with moments of glory and moments of suffering. It’s an all-encompassing love that requires a dying-to-self that might feel surprising and intimidating to a first-time mom.
Reflecting on my first year of motherhood, there are opportunities I am glad I seized and habits I wish I would have taken the time to cultivate. Knowing I couldn’t be alone in this, I asked other mothers to reflect on their hard-learned lessons of first-time motherhood.
These words of advice are compiled from a range of women of different ages and different family sizes. Some are emptynesters; others are still in the thick of the baby years. Some gave birth in a hospital, others at home. Some had nine children, others had one.
Due to the complexities of family dynamics, birthing babies, and human nature, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for one woman does not necessarily work for another. Labor and delivery can be complicated, a baby might need time in the NICU, and paternity or maternity leave might vary. There is, however, power in communal sharing and a beauty that comes with learning from and alongside those that are farther along in the journey of motherhood.
Do’s and don’ts of post-partum recovery
DO rest, rest, and more rest.
What rest looks like will be different for every woman depending on a multitude of factors. Some midwives say five days in bed, five days around the bed, five days in the house, five days around the house. A woman who had a c-section would have different advice (gentle movement is necessary for recovery).
Every mother, no matter how labor and delivery went, would be well served having at least one to two weeks where she doesn’t have to do much more than rest, feed her baby, and go on gentle walks when she feels up to the task.
Lina Martin, a certified birth doula, calls this “active rest.” She explained, “The real key to postpartum physical recovery is to listen to your body. Really listen and change course accordingly.”
A mother of two reflected, “I wish I had been less focused on ‘being productive’ during my first maternity leave and spent more time lounging in bed or on the couch with the baby.”
Around day four or five of recovery, it is common for women to get a jolt of energy. As tempting as it may be, caution yourself before doing too much too soon. At the end of the day, you are doing a lot. Your body is recovering from nine months of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Additionally, if you are breastfeeding or pumping, your body is still working to grow a human being!
“It’s such an odd cross, I think,” Lina mused. “The cross of just being. It’s so contrary to our biology in certain ways and our culture. But it’s a chance to ponder these things in our hearts like Our Lady did, and it takes work to do it.”
DO connect with a lactation consultant before delivery.
One of the biggest shocks of my first year of motherhood was difficulty breastfeeding. Some women have seamless breastfeeding experiences, but many women are caught off guard because there is an expectation that your body and the baby will just know what to do. Having a consultant ready to answer questions, and knowing insurance and budget options beforehand, is a huge benefit.
DO have a plan for meals and snacks ready to go.
Ask a friend to organize a meal train prior to delivery and send it out as soon as possible after the baby is born. Pre-freeze easy to reheat meals and pre-make or buy a stash of nursing snacks. Your body will need a lot of nourishing and high-protein foods, so set yourself up for success! Don’t forget to have a supply of disposable plates and cutlery on hand.
DO bring prayer into your recovery.
Have a list of people to pray for as you offer up recovery sufferings, middle of the night diaper changes, and nursing difficulties. A newborn will be eating around the clock, so take time during each feeding to pray for someone. One mom bought a new rosary to bring with her during her labor and delivery and prayed with it during her postpartum recovery. She is saving the rosary to gift her baby when he turns 18.
DO tell your loved ones what you need.
Work with your husband to strategize a plan for welcoming visitors during the first weeks. Let him communicate with family and guests to find a healthy balance between introducing the baby to loved ones while also protecting the precious time of bonding for mom and baby.
DON’T skimp on personal time.
Whether it’s a daily sitz bath or a walk around the block, have a daily, nonnegotiable thing you do for yourself. Ask your husband to remind you each day and spend time with the baby while you take this time for yourself.
DON’T look at the clock during night wakeups.
In the earliest days when the baby isn’t on a schedule, don’t let the clock add to feelings of anguish and exhaustion. Whether it has been 10 minutes or five hours since their last wake-up, the baby still needs to eat or the diaper needs to be changed. It makes no difference what time it is.
DON’T place your worth in (fill in the blank).
Becoming a mother is a major milestone and an incredible shift in identity. It is important to remember that your worth does not come from how you delivered your baby, how quickly you lose the baby weight, or whether you supplement with formula. You are worthy because you are a beloved daughter of God, and He has called you to the beautiful vocation of motherhood with this specific child.
Do’s and don’ts of baby’s first year
DO plan the baptism ahead of time.
Within reason, do your best to prepare as much as possible before your delivery. From scheduling with godparents and family to planning the reception, have an organized list of what needs to be done and delegate responsibilities to willing family members.
On the day of the baptism, your job is to show up with the baby, joyfully welcome them into the Church, and ensure the baby is well fed. If family or the godparents are willing to help, let them host the reception at the church or their home. And remember, the reception doesn’t need to be Pinterest perfect. Coffee and a few boxes of donuts are more than enough. Low maintenance is key, especially if you are the one planning and hosting.
DO attend Mass during the week.
It will feel difficult getting out of the door, but this is the best possible outing for a mom and baby. Take a few moments to linger after Mass and feed your baby while you sit in the presence of God.
DO cultivate homemaking skills.
This first year is a great time to slowly start building healthy homemaking habits. One mother of five expressed she wished she had prioritized this more during her first year of motherhood. “Cooking, cleaning, organizing, gardening – the better you get at them when your children are too little to care, notice, and meaningfully interrupt, the easier life will be when you have big kids,” she explained.
DO trust your mother’s intuition.
And if you’re uncertain, ask the Holy Spirit for strong counsel. One mother said, “If something seems off or feels wrong, don’t explain it away. Advocate confidently for yourself and your child.”
DO ask for help.
The old adage that “it takes a village to raise a child” is still true. You were not meant to do it all alone. Ask help from family, friends, and neighbors. Additionally, most women experience a wide range of emotions due to hormonal fluctuations the body is encountering. If it begins to feel unmanageable, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but one of humble strength.
DO get a professional bra fitting.
Having a well-fitting bra will not only ease shoulder and back pain, but also help you feel great in your own skin. Ask yourself every few months, “Do these clothes fit me properly?” If they don’t, set a budget and try to find a few versatile pieces that fit as your body changes and recovers.
DON’T limit yourself to baby books and music.
Fill your days with reading aloud and music. In the early days, it doesn’t matter whether you read Goodnight Moon or A Tale of Two Cities.
There are some absolutely delightful children’s books, and some that are painful to read aloud. Pick a few favorite baby books and skip the rest. Instead, read your favorite novel aloud or listen to a classic on audiobook. All that matters is that your baby hears your voice, and your home is filled with beautiful language.
The same goes for music. There are some fun children’s albums, and there will be lots of time for those in the toddler years. While your baby doesn’t have an opinion, play beautiful classic music, hymns, and your other favorite artists (and continue this their entire life!). Your baby will benefit from hearing lovely music, and it will fill you up as well.
DON’T skip outings with friends.
Be as social as possible with your baby! I did not realize the importance of social outings during my first year of motherhood, and my mental health greatly suffered as a result. This same advice was repeated from the women I spoke with – find regular times for fellowship. Join a Bible study at your church, go on a walk with a neighbor, meet friends who have older children at the playground. Library story time and trips to the playground might feel silly with a 4-month-old, but you will greatly benefit from the connection with others.
DON’T grasp for control.
Trust the decisions you and your husband make, but don’t be afraid to recalibrate if it’s not working. “Hold your plans and expectations lightly,” a mother advised. “We live in a fallen world. Things go wrong. The sacrifice is letting go of our own plans and control and being open to God’s.”
Hard doesn’t mean bad
The first year of motherhood is a time of learning and growing in a new vocation. It’s a balancing act of seeking the help and wisdom of other women you trust while listening to how God is calling you to uniquely live out your own motherhood.
Lina added a beautiful perspective on the joy and suffering intertwined in motherhood: “It’s not that the hard parts are not so terribly hard, but the good parts are unrepeatable. So, you just have to take the crosses the best as you can to bask in the little resurrections.”
What advice would you give to a first-time mom? Let us know in the comments below.