Moms are miserable. Here's why.

On this episode of the Deep, Erika Ahern – mother of seven – takes on the accusation that motherhood is misery. Is the modern woman just weak? Did the sexual revolution free women or enslave them? Finally, what is modern politics doing to help… or hinder?

Transcript

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I am a member of the 1%. No, not the yacht-owning kind. I mean, I'm a woman who can read. Hear me out. Historically, it is unheard of how privileged modern moms like me are. I grew up in a happy home, married to a guy who still loves and cares for me 22 years later. I've given birth seven times, and I never even died once. I have antibiotics, I have clean water, free speech if I can keep it. But no, the internet insists.

Motherhood is misery. With snack breaks. Consider this spicy girl boss debate I recently saw. Stephen Bartlett moderated feminists from two camps. We have babies are blessings ladies, like this one. It's the most incredible love you'll ever experience in your life. And the burn everything down and then eat it ladies, like that one. I think when we're talking about rules, we are really in dangerous water. The claws came out. No, they shouldn't. No, let me, can I finish? And as a mom of many kids, This one part in particular stuck out to me, and I had to share it with you along with my thoughts.

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But that is a narrative that I'm going to push back on, which is part of the problem, which is that it's the narrative of misery, which has been promoted. And it's not miserable to have children. It's joyful. It's... The most incredible love you'll ever experience in your life, but it's also really hard. And I think we have a bunch of pussies, actually. We are producing women and men who are pussies, and I'll tell you what I mean by that. They cannot deal with discomfort.

They cannot deal with frustration. They cannot deal with sacrifice or hardship or responsibility. They want it to be easy. Who said raising children was easy? You don't get the good stuff unless you put in the work. So, I agree 100% with Erika's rejection here of that narrative of misery, that most of my friends tell me motherhood is just being an Uber driver. If that's the way you're doing motherhood, yeah, something's going wrong. And also that young adults in the West are, I agree with her that young adults in the West are much softer than their counterparts in earlier generations.

I mean, you just read Laura Ingalls Wilder and say, I could not do what Ma did, right? There's something so unnatural, though, and twisted about hearing a woman state so abruptly, motherhood is misery. It kind of harkens back to Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, right, in the 1960s, convincing women that they'd been living in comfortable concentration camps in their suburban homes with white picket fences, or worse, the post-woman feminism that came later and morphed into the maybe-you-were-just-born-in-the-wrong-body whole myth. But when women are doing things en masse, like offloading motherhood of their small kids, and then complaining about how hard that motherhood is, getting hooked on SSRIs while also sterilizing themselves so they can be like men in the workforce, and then celebrating their absolute power to kill their infants, shouldn't that kind of phenomenon also make us stop and wonder why?

Maybe motherhood is misery isn't just about being a pussy, although there can be that kind of element to it. Maybe it's also because the structure of the post-sexual revolution society puts young women in an almost impossible position. From their point of view, a Sophie's choice, if you will. For the women who do make the choice to do the hard work and stay home like I did, things go wrong. Can look pretty grim financially, and even so grim that without the proper social safety nets, not coming from the government, but from family and community and church, without those, it can be prohibitively frightening.

Dr. John Grendelsky explained in a recent column, quote, A woman devoting a substantial part of her life to her children is not just not making money. She's actually paying for that devotion. She gets no wages in a society who's Price structure presupposes two-wage-earner homes. Without wages, she loses contributions in both time and money into Social Security, meaning her eventual old-age benefits will be smaller, and she will likely take much longer to be fully vested in terms of qualifying quarters. And the list goes on here.

I really appreciated it on this panel when Louise Perry made this very point elsewhere in the debate. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, I think the truth is. That most people... aspire to something like kind of traditional gender roles with some flexibility. And I don't think that we should consider that to be like some inconvenient problem. I think that if that's what human beings are like, then our politics ought to accept that and allow people to flourish and allow people to have the things that they want while trying to ameliorate the trade-offs.

Yes, politics has to reflect. The reality of human sexual difference, the reality of child development, and the reality of the fact that throughout our human lives, we naturally pass from stages of radical dependency, preferably on our mothers, to semi-independence, and then back to radical dependencies.

Politics cannot be neutral when it comes to motherhood and sex. It is hostile or it is supportive, and right now, many Western societies feel or are decidedly hostile. Governments use women to boost GDP while doing nothing for you if you're a stay-at-home mom, and I do have a problem with that. This is policy that directly channels mothers of very young infants back into the workforce as soon as they can walk again after giving birth, when we know that over 60% of women would prefer the option of being their young child's primary caretaker.

That is a moral failure of the civic order. Which exists, as Louise said, to promote human flourishing, not the bottom line alone. It's the sexual revolution played out politically and removing choices from women, specifically the choice to mother. Ironically, it is also the choice that most women want, and that doesn't play into the rampant capitalist calculus of the almighty dollar, but is nevertheless the option that, for most women, is what makes their life worth living. It's no wonder that women like Deborah, as someone who has not experienced either a healthy childhood herself, she says she was in a cult, or motherhood, but her friends who are mothers are all hating it, that she has the emotional reaction we witness here.

So, we can get mad at politicians, but also acknowledge there's a culture war element, and feminism has made a terrible mistake. And as a result of this push for gender sameness, which Louise talks about in just a second here, They have a very, what she calls, difficult relationship with motherhood. How do you account for motherhood and fatherhood when you believe in gender sameness? And that is partly because we're not properly educating women about what the experience is like, but it's also because, unfortunately, there has been this strain of feminism, it's not all feminism at all, which has basically aspired as much as possible to make women like men.

And that includes women being like men professionally, women having sex like men. That is the expression they use in Sex and the City, having sex like a man, right? Basically, enjoying hookups without any real emotional connection. And I think that is a real trap for feminism, is to assume that women… Should one to be as much like men as possible? That's exactly the point. We don't teach women what it is to be a woman, because we're so frightened of that sounding like we're talking down to them somehow, which is all backwards, right?

We don't tell young girls how much when they're moms, they're going to want to be with their babies, or how when they have sex, their brain does something completely different for men, and it makes an emotional bond with that man. So, the cost of motherhood is real, and our current political situation makes it harder for women to choose to make that heroic sacrifice. Neither capitalist nor socialist political ideologies can handle a social role, namely motherhood, that isn't productive of anything that contributes directly to the bottom line.

Oh, other than the next generation of human beings who are the producers to come. But we don't really think about that when we're looking at the day-to-day stock market gains. Second, those political ideologies also swim in the same water as a sexual ideology that rejects biological differences and the basic reality that human beings are male and female. And when we untether our policies and our culture from basic reality, bad things happen, and they happen. First, to the most vulnerable in society, starting with the children, and then progressing to the mothers, and then eventually eating the fathers alive.

So, let's get back to reality. Male and female, he created them, so let's figure out how to support women in their motherhood. If you enjoyed this video and you would like to see more deep dives from LOOPcast and me on the deep, please be sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single episode.

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