The Case for Having Kids *Before* You're Ready

In a recent Parents Magazine article on things to consider before having a baby, I saw this exhausting list of must-haves that honestly would scare any sane person away from procreating. Before you can make that baby, you must research all available artificial technologies, in case you can't do it the natural way. Make sure you have at least $22,000 in discretionary spending. Negotiate parental leave because, of course, you also have an established job at which you've been working long enough. to negotiate anything, get those mental health checks, because if you're not crazy now, you will be, enroll in couples therapy, an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure, write out self-care plans for each partner, create a discipline plan for the child who's not even conceived yet, optimize your living space, aka nursery decor, interview daycares and schools, and maybe even reserve your potential taught space.

Research all available artificial birth control options for once the baby arrives, so you can just go through it all again before even thinking about trying for a boy. It's a wonder we have even a 1.2 birth rate per woman. The list goes on, with helpful affiliate links so moms-to-be can start spending that $22,000 ASAP. And it reflects this larger sentiment that having kids is scary. I'm not ready. It's not natural. We must a way to get it under control. We are so confused in the West about sex, babies, men, and women that we come up with layers of lies and checklists, bucket lists, and laundry lists, and babies often end up at the bottom of all the lists.

Today's narrative conditions us to feel like we have to be in control of every aspect of our lives before even thinking about bringing children into the world. So, as someone who started having babies, having done precisely None of the items in the parents' magazine list. At the exact moment everyone my age, 24, was avoiding getting pregnant, and two weeks after I started a PhD in the field of my dreams at a prestigious American university on a full-ride fellowship, here's my case for having kids before you're ready.

Behind lists like these is a sort of technical assumption, right? Technical because of the pill and other contraceptives. Post-pill, Kids are both an optional and an opt-in feature of a happy marriage. Since most men and women start having sex with no intention of becoming mothers and fathers, the default is to avoid parenthood. That means deciding to try for a baby means actively opting in to the whole project. The technical assumption there that kids are an opt-in feature of your sex life leads to three myths that keep younger couples ...from being open to kids.

Before I get into those, though, if you're thinking about making a baby or you already have a few, you will also want some assistance financing their future. So, let me tell you about Taylor Fragon. Ever feel like your money is working against your values instead of for them? That's no way to build a future for your children and grandchildren. At Taylor Fragon Capital Management, they believe investing shouldn't come at the expense of your family's principles.

Guided by natural law and Judeo-Christian values, they invest in companies that reflect those same timeless truths, businesses with real vision, integrity, and long-term potential. With a disciplined process rooted in decades of experience, including a legacy going back to the 1960s alongside T. Rowe Price, Taylor Fragon specializes in owning high-growth, publicly traded companies for the long haul. They're not just another financial firm. They're a firm with faithful convictions to God and to you. And a track record of experience to prove it.

Whether you're a beginning investor, a hardworking family blessed with high net worth, or an organization in need of a full suite of services, including tax, legal, and philanthropic planning, Taylor Fragon is fully capable of helping you through every meaningful financial decision you make. If you're ready to align your investments with your values, start the conversation today. Your children and grandchildren will thank you for it. Visit Taylor for Gone in the link below for a no-obligation consultation and back to the babies.

So, here are the myths we've swallowed when it comes to becoming parents. Myth number one, financial security equates to readiness for children. While prudent financial planning is important, waiting for an ideal income, that $22,000 in discretionary spending or complete debt freedom, leads to unnecessary delays. Myth number two, financial security equates to readiness for a no-obligation consultation or complete debt freedom. Many families thrive without ever achieving even middle-class financial conditions. Living frugally and prioritizing needs over wants can create a nurturing environment for children, even without substantial wealth.

Money matters, but stats like every child costs $240,000 in the first 18 years are simply untrue, they're dangerous, and they're demoralizing. For the couples who can swing that kind of an expense. It gives a false sense that money will fix any challenges they encounter with their kids. For couples who can't swing it, well, they end up feeling like they're too poor to procreate or selfish if they do. Myth number two. Personal maturity must precede parenthood. No, we should not have kids as a kind of twisted self-improvement program.

I am not saying this, but I'm too selfish for kids isn't a good enough reason not to have them. In the ordinary way of human development, parenthood is the primary catalyst that propels young men, especially young men and women, into new heights of self-giving and joy. Married fatherhood, as I argued in an earlier episode, is part of the solution to immaturity in men. When men feel needed, and boy, does a newborn baby make you feel needed, they often rise to the occasion.

And don't you want to be less selfish? I mean, do you really want to be that 65-year-old guy who spends all his money on himself alone? Myth number three. Achieving your personal goals and desires should come before starting a family. Chasing a bucket list that ends with have a baby is a recipe for frustration and heartbreak.

Delays in marriage until later in life do not simply reduce the number of years available for childbearing. They may make it more difficult to conceive at all. In 1998, the number one cause of female infertility was STD damage to your fallopian tubes. Today, it's ovulation insufficiency caused by advanced age at first pregnancy. Putting children first in your marriage will add depth and meaning to your pursuits, enriching your experiences in unexpected ways. Maybe you won't get to that beach in Southeast Asia with three or four kids, but you'll have a lot more fun watching your kids splash each other at the local water park.

So much for the myths. Here are some hard truths. If you want to embrace parenthood before feeling entirely ready, you're probably aware that you are making a radically countercultural choice. Most young couples see sterility, postponing or choosing not to have kids at all, as the status quo. Children are an add-on feature.

But shifting your mindset that being open to children is what married couples are, you are choosing to embrace one of the fundamental truths of human flourishing. He who would save his life will lose it. He who would lose his life will find it. I mean, there goes all our parent magazine control out the window. Scary, right? If you've seen that children and all the beautiful uncertainty and chaos they bring are the normal product of a healthy marriage, if you want that for yourself, if you're terrified, here are some ways to cultivate a pro-baby moral courage.

First, find a friend. Find other couples already on the parenting journey. Ask if you can hang out. Invite them over. Ask them questions. Don't be afraid to ask personal questions. Ask if they felt ready and you'll be surprised at their answers. Their guidance can offer reassurance and practical advice. If you don't know anyone in your circles with kids, ask your priest or pastor to connect you. Number two.

Educate yourself. Reading insightful books and articles can provide valuable perspective. Consider looking at Hannah's Children by Catherine Pakaluk and Get Married by Brad Wilcox for thoughtful discussions on family and marriage. And look, if sociology and academia is not your thing, that's okay. You should read hilarious memoirs of growing up in a large family. Cheaper by the Dozen was a book before it was a movie. Number three. Engage in community.

Participate in church groups or community organizations focused on family life. Does your church have a Meals for Moms group that you can join? Yes, you can bring meals to women who are moms, even if you're not a mom yet. Is there a young men's basketball league with a few new dads in it? Build a support network, and it can provide emotional and practical assistance.

Next, really important, talk to your spouse. Discuss your hopes and your fears and your expectations. Mutual understanding and support are vital as you navigate the uncertainties of parenthood together. Pray together for openness and courage. The bottom line here, have kids early and often if you can. In a culture often characterized by fear and uncertainty, choosing to have children can be a profound statement of faith and hope. It reflects a belief in the goodness of life and a commitment to nurturing the next generation.

What Parents Magazine misses entirely in its readiness checklist are the three most important questions. Are you ready to welcome someone in need, a child? Are you ready to see your spouse become a father or a mother? Are you ready for the high adventure of loving a tiny person more than you ever thought possible? As my good friend, Leah Thabesco-Sargent, told an assembled and highly skeptical audience of Yale students recently, everyone knows that children are a yes to chaos. The question is this, how much are you willing to tolerate risk and the possible revelation that there are plans greater than your plans?

So, what do you need to be ready for babies? First, you need a loving husband or wife with whom to have those babies, and the rest is negotiable. As you weigh your options and negotiate with God, always err on the side of courage, generosity, and openness to life. You may find yourself challenged and pushed beyond what you thought were your limits, and I promise you will also find yourself.

If you enjoyed this video, please be sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single episode of The Deep or LOOPcast. Thank you so much, and we will see you next time.